This boat should be condemned

by kwmartin1970
1 Review written
Carnival Miracle Carnival Miracle
7 days, round-trip Western Caribbean
Departure date: 25 Aug 2019
Spa & Fitness
Staff and Crew
Shore Excursions / Tours
Value for Money

Seven/six day cruise from Tampa - Grand Cayman - Roatan - Beleize - Cozumel - Tampa Miracle - It's a miracle this thing is allowed to operate. This rust bucket of a boat shout be taken to the Mariana Trench and scuttled along with the crew. I have never had a more miserable disgusting experience in my entire life. But then again if you want a truly horrible experience with nasty crew, slop for food (brought some home for the dogs - they declined to eat it), a cess pool of bacteria in your cabin, fighting every day to try and get some miserable scraps to eat and being treated like a child, herded like sheep, talked down to and treated like a second class citizen, then this is the cruise for you. Carnival - what a joke - are you guys serious. Our cruise got cut a day short due to weather conditions that never materialized. Not only did they have the audacity to cancel for reasons still oblivious to the some 2000 poor souls on board, but you also had the deceitfulness to try and tell us that it was for our own safety - Answer 1 simple question - How is dumping 2000 people in a port with no available hotels, flights all booked up, gas stations running out of gas and in the path of a hurricane, safe???? At this time we where 1500 miles away from the hurricane and heading to Cozumel. No - here's an idea, lets steam into Tampa, ruin everyone's cruise, keep everyone on board like prisoners for several hours at the dock and then rush them off and tell them it's their fault. Hurry and get the next passengers on board and steam right back to where we started. That way we can make more money - That's what it's about - The money. Maybe we weren't spending enough or running out, so you thought the next cruise would have fuller wallets. The captain and his cronies decided to have a Q & A session in the Phantom Theatre to sell this idea and avoid a mutiny. Lots of Q's and very little A's. Now there's a surprise. Where did they dig this captain up from? Davy Jones' Locker maybe? Personally I think he was the guy at the ice cream stand in Belize who was coshed on the back of the head and press ganged into joining Carnival 50 years ago. Is keel-hauling still done today? - I think I know candidate. Well at least that gave the Captain and his cronies the excuse to run and hide and never be seen for the next 2 days. Did they help anybody make arrangements - Offer free 'wifi' for people to make arrangements or provide any form of assurance - I'll tell you tomorrow - at least that's what they said... And as for Frankie the cruise director, he needs to go back to HSN at a 2.00am in the morning slot selling kitchenware to anyone who is drunk enough to use their credit card (Boop). Guest Services (Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here) - Are you rude, obnoxious, un-empathetic, love blaming others and offer no assistance to anyone apart from using the all too familiar Carnival line, "It's your own fault", then get a job here. You will fit in perfectly. Personally I wouldn't allow these people to look after my cat. Still it made good entertainment. I didn't realize there were so many excuses for incompetence. Ask for Ivanka, and have the ultimate experience in Serbian Customer Service - It's a hoot. Horiatio's Lido Cafe - Yep the one arm chef put his telescope to his blind eye and declared "I see no hordes of hungry passengers" This place should be condemned. Imagine a herd of hungry bison stampeding around the deck, pushing and shoving and loading enormous amounts of food (and I use that term loosely) on their plates so they can feed their hungry offspring. That's breakfast. As soon as they dole out the slop, the unwashed masses come charging. Belize is in the top ten countries of the world for homicide and the 41% of the people live below the poverty line, and it was still a more pleasant and safer experience to eat there rather than this gutter boat. Bacchus Dining Room - OMG Looks like this place was decorated by 'Ester Extraordinaire' on crack. What a horrendous assault on the eyeballs. I had to take pictures and send them to my friends all over the world -They'll still be laughing when we have the second coming of Christ!. Look I thought, decent food, a decent menu, something that tastes better then licking the mould off my shower curtain. Unfortunately duped again. Small gelatinous cold blobs on a plate. A very long wait between blobs and the usual suspects trying to ruin a hopefully peaceful dinner by shoving overpriced alcohol shots down your throat and endless photographers trying to make a quick buck by snapping photographs every 5 minutes. Looks like it's back to Horatio's to wade among the bison and wait for a crusty pizza (again) without parmesan cheese because "We don't have any" Drinks Package - Don't bother, there's only so many ways to flavour water these days. That won't stop waiters trying to push cocktails down your throat every five minutes even when you don't drink or clearly look underage. Yes folks I seen it happen on several occasions and waiters do accept cash from teens. Entertainment - There was the sound of cats fighting with baboons in the Atrium one day - Found out this was the string section trying to hash out something that a first grade high school band could perform better. Or maybe they were practicing "Abide with me" for when the ship goes down. Cabin Staff - Don't let the maid into your cabin. By don't I mean 'barricade the door' because even when you shout, "I'm in the shower" "I'm naked" "Don't come in" several times she will still keep knocking then use her pass key to break in anyway. I swear she puts an extra layer of filth around the shower everytime she comes in. Dr Frankenstein's Nite-club - Went there once, left after the first fight/riot and decided not to come back for the rest of the entertainment. Maybe I should have stayed and placed bets. I did see a lady who resembled something like a small moose, who seemed to be winning. Would probably have had better odds than the rigged casino. High points - Getting off the boat and away from Carnival for the few hours each day that we could. Knowing that even if we built a small raft and paddled to Cuba nothing could ever be as bad as this cruise again. After all the only way from rock bottom is up. Low points - Anything to do with Carnival or the 'ship of the damned' called Miracle. Getting 2 bags destroyed by giving them to the porters, having stuff stolen from our luggage, having stuff stolen from our cabin. Being blamed for everything that was out if our control. My Advice - Stay away from Carnival. I won't hold my breath waiting for any form of compensation. This company doesn't care what happens. They only care about how much money they can fraudulently gain from your wallet without fear of repercussion or reprisal. If one person reads this and decides not to spend their hard earned money with them I will feel happy I have helped someone avoid the misery that lies before them if they sail this gutter boat with this gutter company.

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